Texting and Scones


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Link: 20 ways to survive in a horror movie.


A quick run-down should you ever find yourself trapped in a horror movie and would prefer to live to tell the tale.

1. Don’t have sex.

  • Seriously
  • Abstinence is key.

2. Don’t go out with people you’ve just met that day.

  • I don’t care how good he says his weed is
  • he is cuckoo bananas
  • and he wants you dead.

3. Don’t go to camp. Especially one where someone was murdered.

  • There are six words you should YouTube, should you get the chance
  • “Kevin Bacon in Friday the 13th”

4. Find a good hiding place and… STAY. THERE.

  • If the killer can’t see you or hear you WHY WOULD YOU MOVE?
  • Possibly the easiest rule to follow and, ironically enough, the easiest to break.

5. Always wear sensible shoes, ‘cause you never know when you’ll need to run through the woods.

  • Someone will always be barefoot
  • Or in heels
  • Or just plain clumsy
  • And will sprain their ankles
  • And die.

6. If the town looks deserted, it’s probably because everyone is dead.

  • Don’t walk around looking for people
  • House of Wax, anyone?

7. Don’t be a hero.

  • Unless you’re name is Harry Fucking Potter, you will die.
  • Hell, maybe even then.
  • I mean.

8. If you hear something creepy in the distance, like a dog’s yelp cut off mid-bark, don’t investigate.

  • The killer is there.
  • Also your dog is dead.

9. Always check the backseat before entering your vehicle.

  • The last thing you need is to be killed while trying to merge on the expressway.

10. If your car breaks down in front of a dilapidated gas station, don’t ask a sketchy-looking townie for help.

  • Some part of your body will wind up in his pick-up truck

11. Don’t go into the basement.

  • They are creepy enough without you dying in one.

12. If you’re trying to buy a house and the real estate agent won’t answer any direct questions about either the history of the home or the previous tenants, DO NOT MOVE IN.

  • At some point, someone in the house heard voices and cracked.

13. Turn off the television (and run away) if a girl crawls out of it.

  • It is obviously your wisest choice.
  • SEE ALSO: poltergeist, daughter trapped in tv because of.

14. If the walls of your house bleed, do not attempt an exorcism. 

  • Move very very far away
  • Because there’s blood on your walls.
  • Blood.
  • Your
  • Walls
  • Are 
  • Bleeding.

15. Don’t act like a detective.

  • Some crazy Japanese kid who meows like a cat will attack you in a closet.
  • If you live, awesome story to tell your friend, right?
  • But if you die, it is like the opposite of awesome.

16. Google the location you’ll be vacationing at.

  • If more than five reports for “Missing Persons” pops up, you know not to go there.
  • Issue. Solved.

17. Don’t get drunk. Or come under the influence of any mind-altering drug.

  • Running away from a killer is that much harder when you’re tipsy and giggling.

18. If you see someone in a mask, don’t assume it’s one of your friends playing a trick on you to scare you.

  • It is the killer.
  • ALSO: laughing while saying, “Tommy, is that you in that stupid mask? Oh, I’m so-o-o-o-o scared!” is not conducive to your surviving.
  • Killers are very sensitive about their disguises.

19. Don’t take a shower.

  • It’s past midnight at the campground you and your sorority sisters are staying at or
  • The lock to the door doesn’t work and you hear creepy piano music


20. If the call is coming from inside the house, get out.

  • Clearly the killer is not outside, now is he
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